Hollywood stars: a Christmas thought

I actually like them*. Controversial, maybe. But when did you last see a major theatre production without one? I rest my case.
*except cartoon stars like Bugs Bunny. I can't imagine him in Jacobean tragedies, although it would be interesting to see him try.

The mystery of Yuletideness

Christmasness comes but once a year
The snow lies thick on ground
But cos of global warmingness
The snow is slush (I've found).

O ye who drive your SUVs
And ye who fly your planes
Did Jesus mean us to be hot
Because of your selfish pains?

Each time we throw a light switch
Or eat a Big Mac meal
We're killing each and everyone we know
With fundamental zeal

So hearken to my verses
Torn from my soul with tears
And wave farewell to Christmasness
Like ones of my childhood years

copyright Shaun Spock
from his new as yet unpublished anthology
"Yule Be Sorry"

The angry silence!!!

I am ANGRY!!! I have been silent for over a month but now sheer ANGERMENT is all I feel!!! Guess what - I got my MFA, right - but NOT EVEN A HINT OF A OFFER OF A JOB!!! Who does the Arts meant to be if it's not for me and my kindred?!! I offer probably the finest and most passionate PRAXIS of anyone heretoforthwith and I am IGNORED!!! I spoke at length to Col this morning and he says "slowly slowly catchee monkey" but what use are nursery rhymes in this TIME OF CRISIS FOR THE ARTS!!! I mean - seriously - if Shaun Spock can't find a job, what hope is there for Theatre in general???

I offer up this suggestion:

1) All MFA courses to have GUARANTEED artistic directorships attached upon gradualisation
2) The Government to WAKE UP TO THE IMPORTANTNESS OF THE ARTS ONCE AND FOR ALL - I mean, the Arts isn't just health or education or national security - it's the MORAL PLACENTA THAT NOURISHES ALL THE LIMBS OF THE BODY CORPOREALATE!!!
3) Immediate investment of MONEY for all the Arts

We need ninety days to achieve this - no more, no less. I second the motion.

- Shaun Spock MFA

P.S. Mark Ravenbald has quite rightly condemned new writing. As he so correctly says: "All new writing is very bad for the theatre and should be banned. Except my own plays because they are at least a week old and about important issues like drugs and fucking, but everything else should be banned." I heartily concur and convex... Thankyou, Mark, for raising this important issue.

My assesment goes really well!!!!

<--------- Tubby Sipps, assessment examiner

Hello, everyone!!! Shaun here!!! I'm just so amazingly excited because - although I've yet to hear - I think I did really really well at my assesment thingy!!! This is so important - not just for me, but also for the theatre establishment generally!!! Because I am the new voice, the guy who could well bring about a new way of envisioning theatre!!! As those of you who know me well will know well, I chose to explore the important theme of Boredom in the Arts in my final 20-minute presentatiuon... I consulted my thesaurasus (a big book that Tifton College gives all its students on the first day so that they can substitute long difficult words for those easy ones you find in tabloid papers) and came up with the following:

ENNUI AND PRAXIS: TOWARDS A DISTANT OBJECTIVE IN THE ARTS

The judging panel - Vernon, Tubby Sipps (a practitioner of mime) and Thelma Wasp (from the Arts Council of Tifton - sat in awed silence as I spoke thusly (I have printed it in full so as to afford you a glimpse into my ethos):

It has long been my theorem that - while not untowardly genetic in its praxis - the Arts generally, and occasionally in more specific instances, can wholly be afforded the nominem of dullity (or tediosity), owing to the prevalation of TV-ness (to coin a phrase) in our media-saturated existence. I think it was Pietro Hoopla, the Dutch bioligist and pundit, who opined:

'Each society extends its governance exponentially (viz, 67x by ambrose) insofartoward it can, and it is this irony we choose to call sun-down...'

A little research will unveil the extraordinary and yet vivid praxis of Michelangelo's bottom, carved in three inch styrofoam in the Sistine Chapel, yet howmsoever it be sculpted, such a posterior only underscores the fluid emergence of viscosity in the Arts or even, Arse.



Actually, I won't continue, because the whole essay is available for download in PDF form from www.tiftonwanker.com

The important thing is that I am sure I have now got my MFA!!! Certinly, I have yet to officially hear, but Vernon smiled nicely at me as I wound up, and I'm sure the suppressed laughs from the rest of the panel were as good an indication of my humorus gifts!!!

We shall see!! In the meantime, I have begun a new play - a summation of all what I have lerned. I shan't tell you what its about except this: it features an onstage act so shocking that no-one will leave the theatre unaffected... There's also going to be a very good part for a dwarf, if I can find one who can speak Urdu.

Keep in touch, okay!!!

Absence of theatre in my life

I have been crisitized for not seeing enough theatre recently... This has got me to thinking: why is theatre so boring? It can't only be because I've yet to stick my imprint on Drama's jacksie... Theatre is boring because it HAS TO BE... Yes, I know this is a controversial statement, but I really think it's true... Think about it - if theatre WASN'T boring, people would go and check it out, and where would that leave the TV companies what fund theatre slightly? It's in the interests of TV-dom that theatre stays boring so people will stay in watching Ant & Dec and Carol Vooooderman etc... anyway, this is not just my theory - it's also the topic of my upcoming assessment next week...

Oh yes, and I've got a really dull headache. Honestly. It's really getting on my nerves. Quite literally, actually.

Watch this space, okay!!!

Reviews for BRIEF CANDLE/Interview with Catherine Smegs!!!

Hi again!!! I know, I know - I've been very tardy writing my blog... But you know, it's quite difficult juggling all my balls!!! After all, I'm not only a Master of Fine Arts Trainee, I am also a scribe and thinker... Anyway, enough about me - that theatre company, ETIX SAGET FELT, finaly sent me the Edinburgh reviews for their production of my oeuf, BRIEF CANDLE. I can't say I'm sorry I missed it now, after reading these:

"This is a miserable evening in a miserable venue..." Millicent Thistle, The Glasgow Fumes

"I hate theatre, and this is why." Scott Ellison, Richmond Gazebo

I knew it was too ambitious a work for a tuppenny threepenny set-up and these reactions confirm it.

However! I have recently had the great honour of meeting and interviewing Catherine Smegs, currently starring in EURYTHRITIS at the National. We met over a cup of campuchino in the NT's backstage snug. Here is what she said:

SS: Catherine, thank you so much for agreeing to be interviewed for my blog!!!

CS: Could you pass me that spoon?

(I do so.)

SS: You're currently starring in EURYTHRITIS by Syphilis. Is that a challenge?

CS: (stirring her campuchino) In what way?

SS: I regret I have yet to see it but the word on the street is that it's amazingly challenging.

CS: What word on which street? Who are you, anyway? How did you get in here?

SS: (laughing with abandon) Seriously though... I bought the playtext and it's very verbose.

CS: Do security know?

SS: Your character, Eurythritis, spends most of the second act upside down and naked. Is that what attracted you to the role?

CS: Goodbye.

Catherine Smegs as Eurythritis


I think you must agree - this is quite a coup. I plan to publish this interview - alongside my most memorable essays - in a forthcoming Shaun Spock's Guide To Directing For Novices... Watch this space!!!

Back from hols!!!

Well, hello everybody!!! Did you miss me??? That's right! I've been on holiday!!! Fantastic time at Tifton Head, sun-trap of the South Coast!!! Lots of donkey derby and Race the Snail!!! Faberoonysville!!!

I will write again soon - not least because it's been Edinburgh Festival time again, and a dysxelic theatre company ETIX SAGET FELT, mounted my oeuf BRIEF CANDLE!!! I have no idea how it went but they've promised to send the two reviews and pay me royalties!!! Which is great!!! I'll let you know, okay?!!!

Keep reading my blog!!! You know it makes cents!!! (That's a joke for my off-Broadway chums!!!)

Reflections on my MFA

Some of my reguler readers (Bernard Cantanker, Jimmy Munt, Anonymous) will be concerned what I have not written much recently. This is to be understood. My mind has been elsewhere. Vernon has recently told me that my Master of Fine Arts is being terminated as a result of "industry apathy" (his words). This is a pretty state of affairs. Vernon says there is simply no demand for my type of cutting edge drama, and that the Arts Council of Tifton are unlikely to fund to any serious degree my art.

WELL, WHAT IS ARTS FUNDING FOR IF IT ISN'T TO FUND ART?!

I am not swayed by Vernon's comments. Indeed I cannot afford such self-indulgencing. The true artist must forge ahead, friendless and despised. What is which I shall do. I must be strong. I must be vigilent. I must be True To My Muse.

BRIEF CANDLE is not a one-off. My pen itches to create, and having created, create more. If there is no audience, then so be it. I have played to audiences of no-on before. I am happy to do it again.

Watch this space...

(By the way, Mum has booked me for holidays this summer so there will be a hiatus in my blogging.)

Are you listening, Tony Blair???

Phew! Just got back from LiveB8!!! The feelings and emotions we managed to feel were just pure magic!! I was a bit late getting there because I found out (on the day - THANKYOU BRITISH RAIL (not)) that there are litrally NO trains what go direct to Edinburgh from Tifton Parkway!!! Even for an occasion as important and POTENTIALLY LIFE-CHANGING as LIVEB8!!! Anyway, Col and I were able to do some serious brain-storming about our Edinburgh fringe production of my ouef, BRIEF CANDLE. We're going to approach Sir Lord Bob Geldof to introduce it and act as patron, because LiveB8 so impressed us... As a direct result of LiveB8 Col and I have decided to eat tuna for the REST OF OUR LIVES!!! Only this kind of WORLD ACTION can halt the alarming dolphin deaths around Japan!!! I will come back to LiveB8 at intervals because it's frankly too important to ignore. All would ask is that you each consider adopting a sardine. It's not diffuicult - just buy a can of sardines in your local Tesco and lay it on a piece of buttered toast - delicious AND revolutionary!!!

The weather is getting warmer

Some call it summer. Those of us in the know can tell it's global warming. Just look at ice cream sales - going through the roof. Ice cream melts faster these days, which is why sales are going up, which can only mean one thing: I'm going up to Edinburgh this weekend to show the world I CARE. If you're wise, you'll join me. I'll be at Tifton Parkway railway station at 4am.

Be there or be unfair.

LIVEB8 - fish should be eaten, not ignored.

I'm furious!!!

A world exists outside theatre, actually

Vernon took me to one side today to tell me that my MFA is ending!!! I am so angry!!! Apparently I've always known this but actually, Vernon, this is the first I've heard of it!!! A three month MFA is NOT my idea of a worthwhile education actually!! Also, BRIEF CANDLE has been turned down by the RSC - what did they expect? Iambic pentitameters?? IT'S NOT SHAKESPEARE, IT'S A MODERN PLAY COMMENTING ON OUR SHORT EXISTENCE ON THIS PLANET!!! Some people...

All these frustrations and angerments I have poured into a heartfelt poem which I would like now to share with you. I have called it "Les Especes de la Misere":

I drop my stare

To keep you from the glare

Of my disappointedness.

Were I to look

Into the book (of life)

I would be sick.

'Tis true I aspire

To climb out the quagmire

Of my ne'erending despair.

But why?

And more importantly -

Where?

At times like these I turn to chocolate. A Nutrageous will lift your blood sugar levels even when your soul plummets.

Theatre is at a crossroads

I just need you all to know that.

The obvious follow-up question therefore is: "Do I wait for green?"

Troubling times indeed...

LiveB8 - the Importance of Going Up to Edinburgh!!!

Many of you will have heard of the upforthcoming LIVEB8 fish conference being organised in Edinburgh in July. It's to protest about the lack of decent LiveB8 fish restaurants in London these days, and I for one have all the elastic bands I can get on to my wrist, just to show to everyone that I CARE!!! (I could have said "I CARP" but that might be out-of-PLAICE as a joke here!!!). Anyway, that's not the point (sorry, I'm FLOUNDERing here!!!) - Sir Lord Geldof has suggested everyone come to Edinburgh to show the LiveB8 politicians that we care about fish, and I've emailed Sir Lord Bob directly to suggest that he delay the demo by just ONE MONTH so it coincides with the Edinburgh Fringe Festival (I could have said FISHtival!!!)!!!! Because I believe THEATRE is the GREATEST TOOL WE HAVE FOR WORLD CHANGE!!! Pink Floyd and Madonna were all good in their day and will please the wrinklies, but us Cutting Edge Youth need AYCKBOURN and LLOYD WEBBER if we're to make a DIFFERENCE!!!!

If you agree, email Lord Sir Bob direct at his email address bobagob@gimmecash.com like I have did. It can't do less than be ignored, and what use is art if it's not about something? Hmmm? Hmmm?

Viva Vocchi

I have been told by course leader Vernon that I am to have a Vovi Veecho (sic). My quick rejoinder was that I didn't hold a driving licence but thankyou very much!!! How wrong could I be!!! A Viva Vocchi is - apparently - a sort of lovely big Q&A type thingy where I get to be interviewed!!! Perfect preparation for my launch onto the Wide World of Showbiz!!! I call it my Jerry Springer moment!!! Vernon says there is serious concern that I am not fulfilling the criteria, but I say: The Criterion has never been full since the day it opened!!! (I'm very quick when I need be.)

Also, I had a lovely Nutrageous bar yesterday. It really was excellent. I urge you to buy one soon.

Watch this space!!!

Revelations and profunditities!!!

Oh my GOD!!! It's like I've suddenly realised why we all love show business!!! It's fundacutely because deep down, EVERYONE LIKES DRESSING UP!!!! This instant and somewhat alarming apercu (look it up, it's a French word) came to me this afternoon when I was soaking in my bath here in Tifton (where I live), listening to the gorgeous Elaine Page talking about musical theatre (a neglected genre, as I'm sure we can all attest to) on BBC's Radio 2: Elaine's silvery tongue has of course adorned some of the greatest musicals of the 19th century and above, and it's no coincidence that I called my pet hamster Elaine before she died (my hamster, not Ms Page!!!). All of which brings me rather cleverly and neatly to my other revelation and profundititity: that it is MY DESTINY TO BECOME A LEADING VANGUARD OF THE THEATRE!!!!

Now I know that might come across as a bit smug and possibly arrogant, but it is because there's a young director called Shea Thurrock (my guess is she's from Essex) apparently who is already a very leading young theatre personage in the World of Theatre!!! I owe this piece of info from my good pal Gene David Kirk (see link to his truly insightless blog, right - or click on his name here). Gene is lucky to be working with Shea on several productions soon... And personally, I think this is great news!!! Especially as one of them is a revival of that fine oeuf of the 1970s, GODSPEL!!!! My mum used to play the original cast recording all the time when I was growing up and so I am litreally hotwired by the songs!!! "Prrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepaaaaare ye the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay of the Looooooooooooooooooooooooooord!" as Jeremy Irons so rightly sang before he became humourless and boring!!!!

All of which leads me to the conclusion: we who are unnaturately gifted OWE it (my caps) to our brethren to spread the Gospel of Theatricalitude!!!! Go, my brethers, and multiply the teachings of Theatreness!!!

The lonely turf

Well, I finally wowed them with my beautifully staged presentation!!! This has been an incredulously stressful time in my life, but only because I will insist on EXCELLENCE!!! After all, what is theatre without excellence? (And vica versi, of course!!!) Many of my fellow MFA students seemed a tad nervous about the presentations... Obviously they had failed to put in the work what I did. This is simply not good enough and I may well have to email Vernon with my misgivings... For instance, Fiona Pith, who has been attached to the Gunston Players in Tifton did a positivly WOEFUL 20 minutes on "Why Metatheatricality and Abstinence Accords With Twenty-First Century Stage Praxis"... which is, like, so last century. And Foster Urgent, a rather tall and slightly menacing student, produced a banana and simply ate it for twenty minutes very slowly... THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH, PEOPLE!!! DO YOU WANT TO BE MASTERS OF FINE ART OR DON'T YOU??? Anyway, soon it weas my turn and I think the judging panel (Vernon; Wally Grey from the Orange Cheese Theatre and a great friend; radio actress Glenda Mint (love her work); and Carpenter Shedd, the original course instigationist) immediately felt relaxed, knowing pearls were going to be forthcoming.

My subject and title (which I had changed after much reflexology and self-questioning) was: WHITHER ART? A SURVEY OF CURRENT METHOLODOGIES AND INTERSTICESES and I began as I intended with the following:

"In my survey of current praxis in the theatrical world of theatre it has strucked me many times (pause) that THEATRE IS ALSO AN ART. By wich I do not of course aver that it is not also a SCIENCE (very long pause), but that it is finally and uneradicably an ART. To back up my praxis I visited a PLAY... (first slide: a programme for my play, to illustrate my argument) But that was scarce enough, for I also READ THIS PLAY (new slide: me reading quietly). This illustrates two different factors which I believe COMBINE (next slide: an armlock) to give us a RESULT (final slide: a happy face)..."

I continued in this fashion somewhat longer than I intended, but 90 mins of me is usually worth it, and I could tell from the silence at the end that people did not know what to say when I finally wrapped proceedings...

No-one spoke to me, not even in the pub afterwards, but then directing is a lonely business at the best of times (Harriet Marriott was always telling me that at The Royal Shrug - well, before her op, of course), and I am ready to plough the lonely turf...

All I have learnt from today is three things:

1) Theatre is INTELLECTUALITY combined with PASSION
2) Art is not ENOUGH: you have to have TIME
3) I am beyond most of my peers in my GRASP of the ESSENTIALATE

I feel ready for my next challenges!!!

Help requested for my upcoming assessment

Next week is my first ever assessment thingy!!! Very exciting because I'm going to be judged on things like haircut, intensity of expression, seriousnessness, and (most importantly) IMPORTANCENESS!!! Anyway, here is a little taster of what I shall be doing as my presentation. I will be bringing a small CD player so that I can be accompanied by some Tschaikovsky - music is integral to performance and this will be a performance, albeit one without my usual set and costume changes:

Darkness. A hush. Enter THE STUDENT. Distant music (Tschaikovsky).

STUDENT: My experience at The Royal Shrug was not without paradigms or syntax. (Pause.) Effectively, it was what all theatre should be. It was and remains an artistic synthesis of values, committed by, to and for: The Other. (Pause.) Ergo. (Pause.) What it can NEVER be is WITHOUT. For what is outside the ACT is withoutside the ART. (Long pause.) Allow me to explain, and if not explain, then explicate...

This is just a rough outline of what I choose to call my Overture. I will of course decorate it with slides and conjecture to keep it thrilling (in an intellectual way)... I expect I'll get an A++++ but I must remain indifferent, if only for the sake of my fellow students. They may be less gifted but they have their talents, I'm sure...

Watch this space!! And do please offer critiques and observations: I may not be able to reply individuously but I will read every one and I'm sure they will be useful!!!

Tifton graduate wins award!!!

2004 Tifton MFA graduate, Evan Think, receives his Empty Theatre award

Evan was a legend during his time at Tifton. Vernon says he's the brightest young student he's ever had the pleasure to teach. I'm delighted for him, and for the theatre business to which he now applies his considerable gifts of dramaturgy and other stuff... His static production of Wozzeck (performed entirely without an audience) also garnered twelve nominations. Well done, Evan!!!

The rest is...

Another week has gone by and you may have noticed I have been silent. Fear not - it is an angry silence... I have just been told by Mum that we are in the middle of a GENERAL ELECTION!!! Excuse me, but how come I am the last to know??? Needless to say, I elected not to vote!!! That'll teach Tony Blair and his cronies!!! I was one of the few people to protest about Iraq - WAKE UP, ENGLAND!!! - and the thought that Mr Blair might carry on his wayward ways makes me consider giving up my MFA!!! I've organised a petition with Col. If it's sucessfull we may turn it into a contempory hard-hitting musical extravaganza... It reads thusly:

We, the undersigned, OBJECT to Tony Blair and will NOT be saying anything while he remains PRIME MINISTER of our lands.

Only thusly can we register our OBJECTIONS, readers!!!

I hope you will understand if my blog goes into pained silence for a few days... Not only as a form of silent protest, but also because I still have to write my assessment and time is pressing... Forwards, not back!!! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? We are the real alternative!!!

Assessments panic!!!

Hello, my loyal readers!!! Shaun here!! I haven't died!!! I know I've been very remiss in not blogging recently - a mild form of profound depression (medical term Unenthusiastica Apathitis)afflicted me deeply and I found I could see no good in the world... Fortunately, it's lifted and I'm now incredibly happy again!!!

Vernon (course leader) emailed me to say that my attitude was "wanting" (sic) and that I would need to "change (my) attitude", which is remarkably arrogant of him. I don't know - I'm surrounded by arrogant people these days... perhaps that's why I've been battling with depression... Vernon has asked to see the directing advice I gave my fellow MFA students, and I keep telling him that I was in the room at the time so there was no need for any of them to actually read my advice!!! I mean, really!!! He also upbraded (sic) me for being "rude to Prat" and risking jeapordising the "whole Unit"!!! At times like these it's all I can do not to laugh contemptibly and dismiss such stuff!! But if theatre is about anything it is about conflict - so maybe I should celebrate such trials...

Anyway, he went on to inform me that an assessment is due in 2 weeks' time, based on my experiences at The Royal Shrug. He wants 3,000 words and a 10 minute presentation - I said that would be very difficult because I have a lot to say, not least about his (Vernon's) attitude... I must confess a growing sense of disappointment in Vernon's mien (a French word) and the course in general... I am an intellectual type, after all, and we intellectuals find it difficult to stoop to such shallows...

I'll keep you posted, okay!!! Don't forget to comment!!!

Traumatic return to T.A.A.D.

There are days when I wonder if I'm in the right biz!! Today was such a day. I had foolishly hoped that Prat would understand the difficulties with wich I have been embroiled these last weeks. But - as I am discovering - Prat's world revolves entirely around Prat!! He decided to punish me for my absence by getting me to illustrate why Ionesco's penis is fundamental to an understanding of Italian commedia. To ill-disguised smirks from the acting students I posited the theorem that as drama is thrusticular in motion, so Ionesco's member acts as an image of such action - reasonable enough within the context of a Tifton MFA of course, but a source of much mirth to these non-intellectual types. Prat started screaming at me: "No, no, NO! Ionesco's Penis has none of dese qualities!!! You are idiot! You are fool!" I'm afraid I couldn't resist the smart rejoinder: "Well, you are PRAT!" and flounced out... I have decided I can no longer continue at the T.A.A.D. and have left a detailed explanation on Vernon's answerphone. This is simply not good enough, and I expect a full apology not just from Mr Skrohtm, but also those students who attended his class today!! Oh how I wish I could simply run my own theatre company, with Col as dramaturd. I am thoroughly and indeed utterly disillusioned and bereft... A lonely business indeed...

UP THERE'S HEAVEN closes early

Some of you will have noticed that I haven't been blogging much this week. I appologize. It has been a difficult time. After a run of barely one week UP THERE'S HEAVEN has closed. An avalonche of negitive press proved too much and the Royal Shrug's management took the executive desision (which after all is their right) to shut the thing down. I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, this Kosovo love story is absolutely cutting-edge theatre (to which we all aspiure): on the other, it's a bore. Especially having to hand endless props to a mute and deaf amputee whom you know is also the star and producer. Harriet thankfully remains oblivious to this sad news and will probably continue to shuffle on to the dark stage long after the last light is switched off.

On top of this, I have just experienced exactly what theatre should never ever be. THE DOCTOR WHO at the world famous Orange Cheese in Surrey, Twickenham. Not only was pouty-faced Christopher Ecclesley not (my italics) in it, also there were no Boliks or Cidermen for him to fight with - and the inexperienced director (a student I regret to say) made the fatal error of staging it in the round, when it was crying out for a promenade production. I had a quiet word with artistic director Wally Grey CBBC afterwards, and he confided that there had been "problems" (sic). Wally is a true maverick and friend (he was the first person to turn down my playlet BRIEF CANDLE), and it is evident that THE DOCTOR WHO (and also, shouldn't that be WHOM?) is entirely not what his octogenarian audience want. There have been many complaints at the lack of a decent interval and that the cast shout too much. I remember Wally's seminalistic production of Urquharquhar's hilarious Restoration comedy HOPE'S CONTAGION at the Cheese (as we call it) many a long moon ago. He has always championed Empty Theatre - indeed he was probably the first - and his cast, entirely dressed in bin-liners for budgetary reasons, coped with Urquharquhar's notoriously taxing rhymes with a wayward, yet occasionally brilliant, abandon. His deliberate neglect of stagecraft is what brought him his CBBC after all. I told Wally I was taking an MFA at Tifton and he said blankly that I must come and assist him at the Cheese one day. I'll drop him a line soon. It is my duty.

Next week I return to the T.A.A.D. This setback has only garnered my loins. Forwards, not back, as our esteemed Prime Minister so rightly says!!!!

Unfunny cartoon

Someone has sent me this cartoon: I'm sorry, but WHERE IS THE JOKE?

Roasted - April 2005
A Shaun Spock Pic

(If you can't read the balloon-dialogue, use a microscope.)

Harriet has had some abysmal reviews. Billington: "As piss-poor a production as I can recall. Avoid." Thank God she can't read them. It would break her heart.

A disastrous press night for UP THERE'S HEAVEN. Harriet Marriott arrived by ambulance mid-afternoon, having had the op. She was scooped onto the stage, where she gave a completely inert performance (as I predicted), and then - to compound matters - could not even give notes (as I also predicted). The cast are furious, Harriet oblivious, and I am embarrassed to be 5th assistant director, frankly. This was always going to be a tricky entertainment and I think Harriet's selfish and masochistic surgery goes entirely against the imaginative potential of this fine play. Michael Billington looked very bored throughout and (I am convinced) will give us a panning. And we deserve it. There, I've said it.

To compound matters, Prat sent me a vitriolic text message, asking why I had missed his Ionesco's Penis class. I am going to find it very difficult to juggle T.A.A.D. and The Royal Shrug, and I will have to decide where my loyalties lie. Theatre is so stressful!!!

Harriet is having the op

Harriet Marriott (see previous blogs) is booked into the Royal Free for her op. I fear she may be taking a literally irreversible step. She seems to have forgotten that she will not be able to give notes now, or direct other shows. A sad occasion. And a great loss to world drama.

A difficult week

Harriet Marriott (director of UP THERE'S HEAVEN) has decided belatedly to star in her own production. Her one difficulty is that she's not a deaf blind amputee, and rather worryingly she's looking into having some radical surgery before the end of the week (press night). All this on top of learning the lines (which of course she doesn't actually speak, but she insists that her inner dialogue must be scripted and learned). I am enthralled and disturbed - all theatre aspires to this level of commitment, but how many of us actually make the leap? I so wish she could meet Prat, but I fear the surgery will preclude such an encounter. I have now tracked down most of the props - I'm finding it difficult to find an iron lung for the climactic scene in the disused Kosovo hospital... But these rehearsals are certainly helping me crystallise my thoughts about my own opus, the promenade production set during the Balkanese Wars. Bookings for UP THERE'S HEAVEN are said to be "sluggish", but I pointed out that there's an election on and people are distracted. I'm convinced we'll sell out, especially in such a cramped and leaky auditorium... Watch this space!!!

Assisting at The Royal Shrug!!

The roof leaks, the pub stinks, the place is overrun by rats - IT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEATRE SHOULD BE ABOUT!!! I'm fifth assistant director on a sparkling new adaptation of UP THERE'S HEAVEN, an extraordinarily moving piece about a mute, deaf and blind amputee meeting a university professor who turns out to be a lesbian refugee from war-torn Kosovo!!! It's directed by Oxbridge graduatee Harriet Marriott, who is incredibly confident and seems to share my love of Nutrageous bars!!! She's only seventeen but what a brain!!! The one big challenge is they've got only one week of rehearsals and it's not yet fully cast, but the P.R. is fantastic (a completely blue poster with no information - very post-modern) and bookings are expected to pick up once the reviews come out!!!

I'll let you know more when I can - my priority right now is to try to source the three hundred and fourteen props the show needs!!! Phew phew!!! But I LOVE it!!!!

I simply have to create art

Woke up last night in a cold sweat: time is ebbing away and I realise that I simply have to create art. For many people, this is simply not an option, either because of their stupidity, or their lack of intelligence, or (in some cases) both. For me it is an imperature and one I cannot hide. If theatre is about anything it is about how we live (I hope Prat doesn't mind me quoting him direct). Therefore it is behoven unto me to create relivant art, and after much thought I have settled on a promenade production of the Balkan Wars, which happened quite literaly about ten years ago here on this planet. I will research this and write it up as drama. I see it as being quite long and quite static, a kind of sequel to my playlet BRIEF CANDLE (which I've now decided is not strictly National Theatre material - I have sent it direct to the Theatre Culturel de Chamonix et Aix-en-Cocottes, whose artistic director is the infamous Frederic Con.) The arc of my Projet Balkanique will be the ten years over which it took place, my central characters the Balkanese themselves - I feel it behoven that my drama should concentrate on the simple peasant folk who inhabit these backward lands. I see it staged in a deserted warehouse or car park, open to the elements but with free baked potatoes.

Anyway, tomorrow I begin my important assistantship at The Royal Shrug in North London. My understandable excitement is tempered only by growing confidence that I truly am gifted and incredibly unique. I mustn't allow such thoughts howsomever to give way to hubrisity...

Regular readers of my blog will have noticed that I have stopped using exclamation marks: this is a temporary decision. I noticed that Roland Butter never uses them (I'm reading his seminal opus Without Punctuation: A Hypocrite's Guide) and they give his words a weight it actually lacks. Which I find tres charmon (my italics)...

A Royal Occasion!!!

This is a very special day - HRH Prince Charles III has wed his betrothed, the Rt. Honorary HRH Princess Camilla Parker Knowles (see previous blogs). Chas and I had hoped to attend Their Holinesses Nuptuals in Winsor but were forbad by Vernon, a move I am sure he already regrets. Fortunately Sir Andrew Motions, the Queen's Limerickist, has composed a special poem. You can find it here and I suggest you have a family box of Kleenex by your side: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4427239.stm

Not to be outdone, Alycia Smith has penned her own tribute in the Tifton Gazette. I know which I prefer:

You are our Prince, She is your bride
Not all can say as much
We quiver at your every quirk
She shivers to your touch.

When you are old, and she old too
Who'll bear the crush of years?
Not many, I'll be bound to say,
But then, we're not your heirs.

O Prince of ours, 'tis not too late
To 'member Diana's hymn:
"There were always three in our marriage, you know -
Me and her and him."

My blog is two weeks old today!!! A double celebration indeed!!!!

Another Prat Masterclass

Vernon forbad me (& by implication Col) going to Winsor (see previous blog). He said it was "irrelivant to the course".

So instead I attended another Prat class at T.A.A.D. His focus today was on what he calls the Five Laws. These are they:

1) Theatre is anything that happens - except fun
2) Silence is weakness and weakness is strength minus energy
3) To look is to see with our eyes
4) There are only three 'actions' and none of them can be reproduced
5) All is shit

To demonstrate these Laws he asked the prettiest student, Julie, to strip naked and stand in front of the class looking pert. After twenty minutes he elected to kiss her nipples. To protect her modesty he then asked us all to leave the room. When we returned, Julie was gone and Prat was sitting, naked himself now, reciting the Five Laws in a low monotone. The masterclass ended with him being carried from the room by four of the tallest young male students to a round of hushed applause. No wonder T.A.A.D.'s students get to work in all the major theatre companies after such a training: I am beyond impressed, and will certainly now write that overdue letter of apology to Prat.

The end of a humbling week.

Dr Zimbalist

Dr Zimbalist is a genius. I don't often say that but in his case it's true. He called all the students together into the main hall and reminded them that being an actor was probably the greatest gift to mankind there is. He said that, while they studied Staniskovsky and Ibson there were "tinted people literally dying from their wounds in Darfur" and that it was "beholden to us all to honour them by applying our craft diligently and without mercy." He then read a piece of Staniskovsky to the hushed students:

"When you enter a space, that space becomes full. Not because you have entered, but because it is now less empty."

This is something I plan to have printed on a T-shirt and sent to Darfur. Such wisdom!!! It's a privilege to be under his tutelage. In fact, I shouted as much at him later - but he completely ignored me.

There are literally millions of people queuing round Winsor Castle to see the bodies of HRH Prince Charles & HRH Lady Camilla Parker-Knowles: all the heads of state from the world are worshipping and they've closed the nearby cake shop in respect. Colin and I are hoping to go ourselves, but I have to check with Vernon (obviously)...

Vernon actually left me a message to say that - because of pressure of time - I will be starting my 2nd year theatre assistantship next week!!! And guess which theatre?? That's right!!! The Royal Shrug in North London!!! Which I've always rated as perhaps the finest pub theatre space in the universe!!! It has never been decorated or improved since it opened in 1894, and has launched the careers of everyone from Lionel Blair to Nicol Williamson!!! I'm so excited!!! This could be the launchpad I so deserve!!! And one year early!!! I hope Prat doesn't mind if I miss his 'The Merry Wives of Windsor - a Menstrual Guide' workshop!!! Watch this space!!!

My first tutorial with Vernon!!!

At last!!! I finally meet course leader Vernon Jones!!! And I was right!!! He really is very enigmatic!! Which I love!!! He pretends to be quite annoyed if you correct him (I confess, I did this several times when he got his facts wrong!!!) but then he lets you know that, all being well, we're all going to become Fantastically Important, which is exactly what I knew anyway!!! He asked me how my attachment to T.A.A.D. is going, and I said "all right, I suppose", and he seemed really pleased!!! He stressed it's hugely important not to annoy or upset anyone, and I completely agreed with him, which he liked... He asked me what my first essay is going to be about and I said "weetabix", and he looked a bit perplexed. But when I let him know I was joking, he seemed relieved and laughed for a long time!!! Anyway, the important thing is, I'm very happy with him, and I'm sure we'll get on just fine...

Back to T.A.A.D. in the afternoon and I tried to put Vernon's advice into practice by not insulting Prat. His class this afternoon was all about what he calls 'The Defecation of Responsibility', a slightly alarming but (I'm discovering!!) very typical process of linking dramatic text with bodily functions... I had no idea there was so much toilet humour in Goethe!!! Or Prat, for that matter!!!

Read in The Stage that Nicol Williamson has decapitated Lionel Blair... surely this is a step too far, even for an actor of Mr Williamson's violent talent...

Invitation to a Pete Brooke spectacular!!!

Word seems to be getting round that I'm a fairly important figure in the arts!!! A "Jennifer Scott" has emailed me to personally invite me to her new show, THE DOCTOR WHO, at the Orange Cheese Theatre in Surrey, Twickenham. I'm a huge fan of that miserable actor Christopher Ecclesley so this will be a great event, I'm sure, although I'm not sure how they'll do the Tardis or daleks. THE DOCTOR WHO was originally staged by the intellectual Peter Brooke, whom some of you may remember (he was born a bit before my time but I've read books on him and he is of course the man who created Deadly Theatre). Anyway, it's very kind of Ms Scott to invite me (and fifty of my colleagues) and offer us free ice cream!!! I shall write a report on it when I see it - book now because apparently it's nearly sold out... And don't forget to dress up with long scarves and funny hats!!! This could be as good as THE SINGALONGA-SHOCKY ROCKY SHOW, which keeps coming to Tifton on its never-ending tour!!! "Let's do the Time Wrap Again!!"

Tutorial tomorrow with course leader Vernon Jones - I'm very excited!!!

Prat on Wilde

I don't really know how to put this: I am mildly disappointed by Prat's approach to Wildean repartee. I know this is sacrilidge, and I do of course apologise to any worshippers of Prat, but I found his masterclass on Wilde's The Selfish Giant seriously lacking in intellectuous rigour and textual grounding... Roland Butter has a special chapter on Wilde in his handbook (which I love, by the way):

"The epistolary confluence of semaphore to be excavated from the oeufs of Wilde and Sheridan are countermanded only by their immediacy and imperativeness (see fig. 123a)"

Not much one can say to improve the obviousness of that statement, but Prat's approach was to stick a 50 volt battery up my arse and shout "Fuck You" at the top of his voice. When I suggested that this had little to do with Oscar's "The Selfish Giant", he shouted "Fuck You" at me again and then stormed out of the class. My suspicion is he has issues about my necessarily intellectuous approach and wanted to demonstrate an alternative. This, sadly, he failed to do. I worry that Prat's fifty years of continuous teaching at T.A.A.D. have only calcified his once original processes. Dr Zimbalist suggests I write Prat a long letter of apology, but I have decided that my humility has limits after this last week of rejection and scorn.

Censorship

Another week begins on my MFA in Theatre Directing!!! Highlights of this week will undoubtably include Prat Skrohtm's masterclass on The Selfish Giant later today. I'm also hugely looking forward to my first ever tutorial with course leader Vernon Jones later in the week!!! I have so much to tell him and from his enigmatic silences I can already tell he has the receptive skills needed to guide and lead me - money very well spent already, I'd say!!! My one sadness is that I have yet to meet my fellow MFA students - all I've been told is that they are a very nice bunch with amazingly different backgrounds and hairstyles!!! Oh yes, and I've been instructed to read French philosiphy god Roland Butter's seminal opus 'Semiology and Paradigms: A Construct' for my first assessment!!! Sounds like fun!!! I love all things French - from croissants to the leaning tower of Pisa!!! Watch this space!!!

Peter O'Toole's hilarious diatribe!!!

Ham-a-lot octogenarian Sir Peter O'Toole has attacked our great and glorious London theatre scene. You can read his comments here: http://www.britishtheatreguide.info/news/otooleontheatre.htm
I ask you!!! Has Sir Peter not heard of the luminous Sir Ian McKellen??? Or Sir Antony Sher???? Or Sir Vanessa Redgrave??? These and many more illuminous thesps nightly light up our stages with their stupendously achieved acting talents!!! And let's not forget Sir Paul Rhys and Sir Kenneth Brannigan!!! And if I'm a "smart-aleck twat" then I'm proud to join the other smart-aleck twats like Gwenda Bartram. Only yesternoon I had the privilege of enduring five long hours of Gwenda's magisterious LUNATIC OF DUST!!! I presume this is the "badly done shit" of which Sir Peter complains!! Well, if it is, then so be it!!! At least it is what it is and isn't what it isn't!!

(I had meant not to write a blog today out of respect to the memory of Ill Papa but Sir Peter's cruel and insensitive remarks emboldened me to set him straight. My apologies to my more sensitive readers...)

No blog today

I have decided not to write a blog today as a mark of respect to the Vatican. (I am very surprised no-one has mentioned the Pope once being a playwright - is this how we treat our greatest dramatists?)

So if you are reading this, please desist.

"Lunatic of Dust" - a review by Shaun Spock

I have just returned from quite simply the most extraordinary afternoon of ground-breaking theatre it has ever been my privilege to witness!! Gwenda Bartram's simply magnificent touring production of LUNATIC OF DUST by Ethan Whorwell may run over five hours and feature an apparently wilfully misguided central performance by Lionel Blair, but its themes - love, suicide, chocoholism and humility - are ones with which we can all identify, and I defy anyone not to weep buckets at the prolonged danse macabre (performed as a solo entr'acte by Blair) during the tantalisingly over-extended interval. Nicol Williamson's cameo as Inspector Henry during the notorious heist sequence is quite simply the greatest performance ever given by anyone on any stage ever, and a triumphant return to form for this most wayward of thesps. I had the great joy of interviewing Gwenda Bartram some years ago as part of my GCSE in theatre at Tifton Secondary: she was refreshingly dismissive of the so-called greats of British theatre (including Sir "Melon" Quayle and Petula Pinner), and an - at the time - reviled proponent of the gargle method of voice production. This production is vindication not only of her individual methods, but a triumph of organisation and choreography. Set in the recent future in a country not dissimilar to one very different from our own, LUNATIC details the transgressive love affair of chocoholic troubadour Serge (Blair) and his decision to rob the Bank of Luxembourg to fund his carbohydrate cravings. The highlight of course is the third act heist. This is played in complete silence, and indeed darkness, and lasts an extraordinary two hours. For those brave enough to last the distance, it ends with an astonishing coup-de-theatre and the first, indeed only, appearance of Nicol Williamson. This afternoon a restraining order meant we were denied any kind of onstage fisticuffs between Messrs Blair and Williamson but I'm told that Friday's performance was especially electrifying and violent. The marathon play ends as it began - deep in the sewers of Luxembourg - with Serge dying of chocolate poisoning in the arms of his beloved Susan (a rather bland performance from newcomer Ilyana Ellis). Tickets are still available at most prices throughout the tour, and I say - in defiance of the so-called national critics - go, go, go. Not since Sir Cameron's LES MIS have I been so moved.

Also...

...his patronising use of 'Dear'. That kept me awake until past 10pm last night. Important I draw a line in the sand.

My blog is officially a week old today! Happy birthday, Green Room!!! And thanks to all my readers for keeping the torch of theatre alive!!! Off to see a matinee of LUNATIC OF DUST with my good friend (and brilliant composer) Colin Phelps... It's been on tour for several years, and there are reports that co-stars Lionel Blair and Nicol Williamson are having onstage fights during the famous heist sequence, but to catch two legends live is a thrill in itself, and I'm delighted we were able to get two front row stalls seats so close to performance time!!!

I'll post a review later, okay!!!

More on that National Theatre nonsense!!

Still mulling over Nick Hynter's unnecessarily cruel and dismissive rejection of my playlet, BRIEF CANDLE. First of all of course there's the simple matter that Mr Hynter took almost a week (my italics) to reply!!! And this in the age of first class stamps and email!!! Secondly, is he telling the whole truth when he writes "I have now read your short play (sic)". (It's actually a playlet but let that pass.) I simply don't believe he has!!! My reasoning? He hasn't chosen it for production!!! And this at a time when the theatre is crying out for new writing talent!! No wonder the National Theatre is doing so badly (source, Colin Phelps)... Everything I've seen there in the last twelve months has been woefully amateurish, from props to acting, so I think my words carry some weight!!! No wonder there is a pressing need for people like me to be trained up - long overdue... Hynter goes on: "Good luck with your future endeavours" but how does he know what my "future endeavours" are? Has he taken the trouble to ask? No, he has not. And why not? Because he's terrified. Anyway, I discussed these matters with Mum this morning and she says it's important not to become obsessive... which is exactly the nonsense I am rebelling against... I am determined not to become bitter but how I wish Kenny Tynan were here to see the detitrus of his South Bank dream!!!

Vernon (course leader) rang this morning to ask how my attachment with T.A.A.D. was going. I mentioned my letter from Hynter but he didn't react. I've arranged to have my first tutorial with him next week - he says I have a lot of catching up to do, but I advised him that I have a lot of experience for my age and that he mustn't fret...

The Pope is gravely ill. This is very sad news. I can honestly say I never met him but I've made a point of watching many of his TV appearances over the years. I wish him all the best.

Disappointing news from Nick Hynter

A letter this morning from Nick Hynter (Head of the Royal National Theatre Plc), returning my playlet BRIEF CANDLE. This is what Mr Hynter wrote:

Dear Mr Spock,

I have now read your short play BRIEF CANDLE. Thankyou for offering it to us, but it's unsuitable for the National Theatre.

Good luck with your future endeavours.

Yours sincerely,

The arrogance of his reply is simply breathtaking. It's pretty obvious to me that Mr Hynter hasn't actually read BRIEF CANDLE or he would have been far more fulsome in his praise. I doubt he even looked at it. I am not downhearted. If anything I am galvanised, for what is unrecognised now will be eulogised in a few years time. Look at LES MIS!! Look at Joe Pasquale!!!

Another fascinating day at T.A.A.D. This morning Prat invited us all to simply occupy a space in front of the room-length mirror and fart discreetly. It's part-and-parcel of his relaxation techniques and will be very useful (he says) when we come to look at The Selfish Giant next week. Which reminds me - I must go to Mardy's and buy those batteries!!!

An amazing first day on my MFA attachment!!!

Phew!! Just got back from my first day at T.A.A.D. (Tifton Academy of Artistry and Dance, see previous post!). It's truly amazing, a real hot-house of creativity and brilliance. The principal, Dr Ephraim Zimbalist III, has a background in torture and callisthenics which makes for a very volatile atmosphere which he actively encourages!! For instance, I sat in on a 1st year acting class today and the movement teacher Prat Skrohtm (a complete god) got all the youngsters to vomit for the first 45 minutes of the class!!! In lesser hands this could have been really weird and even suspect, but Prat has an amazing authority, gleaned from years and years of torture training (he used to teach Dr Zimbalist), which he combines with a truly beautiful inner stillness... He's been teaching his unique methodology at T.A.A.D. for over fifty years and it really shows!!! I'm so looking forward to his next class, "Oscar Wilde and the use of electrocution techniques". He's asked us all to bring in some KY jelly, a dozen batteries and a copy of The Selfish Giant. Not sure if he wants us 'off the book', but I'm going to be prepared for what I'm sure will be an electrifying experience!!!

About those KFC ads!!! Plus other stuff (hint hint!!)

Amazing news from the BBC!!! http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/4391731.stm I'd always suspected!!!

Also... TIFTON UNIVERSITY COLLEGE, TIFTON RANG THIS MORNING!!! Apparently, I'm already on the MFA Course and - wait for it!!! - it's an MFA in Theatre Directing!!! Which is my absolute fave area of expertise!!! The course leader, Vernon Jones, told me the course actually started in January and that I had a lot of catching up to do!!! I explained that I only ever received a lovely brochure and he asked if there had been a covering letter and I said (obviously!!) "What's a covering letter?" and there was a long silence at the other end (very Pinteresque!!). Anyway, the long and the short of it is that I'm on attachment to Tifton Academy of Artistry and Dance, to observe the students learning how to become performers and artistes!!! Which is perfect, because I actually pass the Academy on my way to the newsagents!!! It's literally five minutes from my front door!! Anyway, I better go because it's already nearly midday and they'll probably be doing some Staniskovsky... I'll let you know how it goes, okay??!!

Well, three p.m. has come and gone, and all I got in the post was a flyer for window cleaning and another for the Green Linnet Kebab House. At times like these, I turn to Alycia Smith's poetry. Here's her LOVE ATHWART, recently co-3rd winner in the Tifton Gazette Easter Verse competition (winner: Henry Gobb). I reproduce it in full:

When clouds were grey you gave me a lift -
Not with a smile or a glass of champagne -
But struggling in first up Tifton Hill
In your Austin Allegro in the pouring rain.

On a more positive note, I now host Google ads (scroll to the bottom of this page)!!! Every time you click on one, I get paid a squillion quid (apparently), so please do click on all of them. After all, it costs you nothing and it may make me the arts supremo I've always dreamed of becoming. Watch out, Dickie Attenborough!!!!

A nutty diversion!!!

I suddenly realised that many of you may not have seen (my italics) a Nutrageous wrapper (see previous blog, below)!!! Well, for those of you who haven't, here one is:

A Nutrageous wrapper from my extensive collection
A Shaun Spock Pic

Still no word about my MFA, but - as Mum so rightly pointed out - the post doesn't get delivered in Tifton until 3pm!!!! I'm very excited - today could be the day I find out what I'll be mastering in from September!!! Watch this space!!

The reason we all do this thing called Theatre

I've been hugely inspired by the writings of one Gene David Kirk (check link to the right). Gene is already an MFA student, and judging by his eruditious writings, I'm really not surprised!!! He really has his (artistic) finger on the pulse. I can only step back, awe-struck!! Well done, Gene!!! Tonight for instance Gene has described the awesome thrill of watching a double-bill of old plays in a pub. I couldn't agree more!!! In fact, I'm nodding while I write this... You see, I too have had the exquisite pleasure of having my musical A MILLION DEFINITIONS (co-written with my good friend Colin Phelps, a truly misunderstood* musical genius, in my opinion) staged in a pub here in Tifton. Well, not so much a pub, more a takeaway, the Green Linnet Kebab House. What we discovered, through a time-consuming and occasionally really depressing fortnight's rehearsal, was that you actually don't need silence for a performance to work!! The noise of the arcade machine and Yitzhak (the owner) shouting his traditional abuse at the assorted drunkards who wanted a doner actually lent itself to the rough-house atmosphere we were (initially) trying to avoid!!! In other words, if everything goes wrong you can work it to your advantage!! I'm sure if Yitzhak hadn't closed his takeaway at 8pm each night we'd have got a healthy audience too. Or an unhealthy one (those kebabs look a bit dodgy, nudge nudge!!!) Still, at least there's the review in The Stage.

Gene has also been very critical of noisy theatregoers discussing their shopping. Encore!!! Encore, Gene!!! It's doubly worse in Tifton, because 87% of the local populace are illiterate and malnumeric (source, The Tifton Gazette) . So here, you get people screaming: "I bought a wubbly big jumper in Mardy's and in size 95 too!!!", which is so annoying, especially when it's during Colin's exquisite overture to A MILLION DEFINITIONS... And sweet wrappers, yes!!! I so agree with Gene there!! WHY DO ALL SWEET WRAPPERS COME IN ULTRA NOISY SWEET WRAPPING MATERIAL!!!???? It's beyond irritating. Me, I love a good Nutrageous bar, but I always unwrap it at home before venturing out for my evening's entertainment. If I can do something so simple, why can't others???? I'd rather have a melted Nutrageous and icky hands than annoy my fellow theatregoer - or even worse, thesp up on the stage.

What do you think? Am I right? Or maybe you think I'm wrong? As always, do feel free to leave your comments. This blog can only exist while it has an audience!!! Even a teeny tiny one.

*Thankyou, The Stage (not)

Disappointing news

Only 2 visitors to my blog so far. And these were both me, checking in. I must try not be downhearted. Even Sir Cameron Mackintosh has had to struggle with small audiences on occasion!!! Watch this space!!!

Those pesky clocks!!

Note to self: "Spring forward; Fall back." Needless to say, I got it wrong again this year!!! Mum called me down for breakfast at 6am this morning (I thought), but it was only after I'd told her what a miserable old fart she was (it's okay - friendly Spock family banter - lots of theatrical gestures and rolling consonants!!!) that she reminded me that the clocks always go forward and I realised the error of my ways... slapped wrists all round, I think (not!!!)!!!

Bit disappointed that I've had no comments on my blog so far. I mean, when you think there are over six million people on this planet and the web is like a global forum (my italics). Still, mustn't get downhearted. It's important for my future MFA that I develop a thick skin to deal with the "knocks and blows of misfortune" (gosh, isn't the Scottish Play one of the best plays ever!!!).

Colin (Phelps - composer) emailed me to say we'd had another bad review for A MILLION DEFINITIONS. I asked him to re-frame that comment and try to see the positive side. A bad review is only a good review that has lost its sheen, after all.

Quite a cloudy morning, but only because the sun is too shy to make an entrance.

Onwards! Oh yes, and HAPPY EASTER to all Green Room friends out there!!! Don't overdo the chocolate!!!!!!

It's Easter!!

Time to wonder about the mystery of Easter. I wrote a short play about it. (I don't have any illusions - I'm sure it's too minimilast for the 21st century. (Oh why oh why did Samuel Beckett die?! Couldn't he just have quietly taken a break??). Anywhere, here it is:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BRIEF CANDLE
A short piece of theatre for Easter
by Shaun Spock

The stage is in darkness, but for a candle.

Enter MAN

MAN: Out. (Then, with great effort) Out, I say.

He blows on the candle. It gutters briefly, then expires.
A low sigh sussurates throughout the darkened auditorium.

A distant fanfare. Then -

A silence.

Very slow curtain.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A confession. This (as I term it) playlet was partly inspired by my reaction to the Boxing Day tsunami, an act of nature so devastating and - for me - upsetting that I could scarce put pen to paper. The fact that it has taken me over three months demonstrates the exquisite pain I suffered to dramatise the essentially undramatic (my italics). I have submitted it to the National Theatre, but I can't pretend any great hope: I suspect it is simply too brief for major subsidy or production (although I do see Jim Broadbent as "The Man".) I would welcome your comments.

Oh yes, still no word about my MFA. I refuse to get alarmed or despondent. September is still some months away.

My first ever entry!!!

Gosh! I'm so excited! Just this year I've already directed my first ever stage show - an adaptation of The Oxford Concise English Dictionary with exclusive new songs from my great pal Colin Phelps (thanks, Col!). It played for a strictly limited run of two performances at the Green Linnet Kebab House here in Tifton and completely sold out!!! The only slight negative was the review in The Stage (whose subscription I immediately cancelled, obviously!!!) - unnecessarily personal and unconstructive, I thought, and disappointing considering the amount of research Colin & I put into the enterprise. Anyway, look out for future productions of A MILLION DEFINITIONS: THE MUSICAL. I sent a copy to the Really Useful Group, so who knows!!!!! Watch this space!!!

Anyway, that's not the main reason I'm so excited. No, the main reason I'm so excited is: I'm DOING A MASTER OF FINE ARTS at Tifton University College, Tifton!!!! I saw an ad in The Tifton Gazette and it just looked perfect!!! All I had to do was send in £3,000 and by return of post I got a handsome (full colour!!!) brochure with term dates and everything!!! My one concern is that I don't yet know what it's a Master of Fine Arts in - but hey, let's learn patience, why don't we!!!! As long as it's something artistic and fab I won't mind. It'd be great if it's something to do with theatre (which I absolutely adore!!!!), but I'll just have to wait and see, I guess. I'm sure my three days working as ASM (that's assistant stage manager) on the Tifton Players 300th anniversary production of Noel Coward's CAVALCADE will go a long way. I was even in that production briefly!!!! The smell of the briefcase! The lust of the crowd!!! Oh gosh!!! I just so so so love all things to do with the theatre!!! Fingers crossed!